Everything hurt and I felt like I was dying
My pain story began 14 years ago. It started with typical physical discomforts: IBS, Insomnia, Neck Pain, TMJ. I went to the doctors but found no resolution. Time passed, and my pain spread. My feet began to hurt. It worsened slowly until I could barely walk. I gave up my passions: swing dancing, power tools, and hosting friends. I sat as often as I could until that too became horribly painful. Soon my wrists began to hurt and I could barely type; I dropped out of Design School. It culminated when I could not sit or stand without mind-boggling pain. I could barely concentrate. I felt alone, scared, and in utter confusion. What was happening to me? I was struggling to want to live. The doctors and specialists couldn’t find anything significantly wrong with me. I had every test and imaging done I could imagine, until finally I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Central Sensitization, SIBO, Insomnia, Carpal Tunnel, IBS, Plantar Fasciitis, along with high arches and much more.
In the middle of all this God prompted me to pray for healing; so, my pastors, community group, and Bible study prayed for me. That next week I stumbled upon several neuroscience and medical articles which explained that chronic pain was caused by an overly vigilant, chronically activated fight or flight nervous system. I read how pain is processed in your brain—the brain sends pain messages to your body as a way of warning you of danger. As I looked back through my life, I saw that my emotional pain correlated with my symptoms. I had lived with someone with addiction, went through a divorce, I feared others’ perceptions of me, and I carried burdens that weren’t mine. All of this ran parallel to my symptoms—from IBS to foot pain. Until this point, I had been unaware of the way emotions play out in our bodies, in particular, fear and rage.
“In the end, chronic pain led me to healing in ways I didn’t know were possible.”
As I learned about the Mind-Body Connection, I was overcome with hope, felt empowered and immediately began the journey of healing. For the first time, I knew I had control. Over the next six months, I took two neural retraining programs and started combing through my life for the areas I felt unresolved—from fear of pain to the patterns of thought that caused a nervous system response. Chronic stress, micro-traumas, and repressed emotions had cultivated a general feeling of unsafety. I learned how to control my brain and stop the stress hormones from flooding my body. I learned that our brains can memorize a physiological pain response, but through neuroplasticity—thought by thought—we can unlearn our pain by taking control of our thoughts and creating new neural pathways. Obviously, this didn’t happen overnight; it took commitment and vulnerability, but through these changes I slowly reduced my symptoms until the chronic pain was gone. Not only did I heal in physical ways, but I found emotional freedom and clarity. In the end, chronic pain led me to healing in ways I didn’t know were possible.
Your healing journey will be different from mine because we have unique stories, traumas, and believe different things about pain and life. My pain stemmed from many toxic thoughts: I had shame for being a woman, I thought I needed to be perfect, I thought it was my responsibility to keep everyone happy, and I believed I was a victim of my pain. I didn’t have boundaries within my emotional life, but instead was blown about by the perspectives, opinions, and judgments of others. As I explored these emotions, I found grounding in the truths that Jesus provides and was able to change these thoughts that had caused my neuroplastic pain. I learned that it’s not enough to only hear the truth, but we need to help it sink in, teach our bodies to believe it, and live whole-heartedly in that space.
If it wasn’t for my physical pain, I would have kept plowing through life with the imprints of chronic stress, trauma, and repressed emotions ruling my mind, body, and life. I wouldn’t have stopped to listen to what my body was telling me. But now I can say, in all honesty, that I am healthier emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically than I have ever been. I dance for hours, create, garden, and hang with my friends. I’m finally able to be thankful to my pain for leading me to freedom.